SERVICES WE OFFER
Splooge bath
Immerse yourself in our signature Splooge Bath, where mysterious bubbles and questionable aromas promise a cleansing experience you’ll never forget. Side effects may include spontaneous giggling, pregnancy and a lingering sense of confusion.
Locust Swarm
Relax as a gentle cloud of locusts swirls around you, exfoliating your worries and maybe a little skin. Perfect for those who love nature, chaos, and crunchy surprises. Bug spray not included.
Soul Sucker
Experience true relaxation as our Soul Sucker gently removes all stress, worries, and possibly your will to live. Leave feeling lighter, emptier, and ready to book your next existential crisis.
Testimonials
The Locust Swarm treatment was a revelation! I was skeptical at first, but the gentle buzzing and scratching truly helped me to disconnect from my troubles. I’ve never felt so present. And Seraphina’s insight into Cthulhu’s teachings really put my daily stresses into perspective. Now I know that my impending doom is nothing to worry about. Highly recommend!
I tried the Soul Sucker, and I’m pretty sure I lost a part of my humanity, but I also haven’t worried about my bills once. The void is surprisingly calm.
Seraphina’s Thump-Asana classes are a game-changer! I’ve always struggled with traditional yoga, but learning to bounce like a wallaby with a touch of cosmic dread has transformed my fitness and my soul. She’s a true visionary, and her ability to channel ancient wisdom from both the Australian bush and the abyss is truly awe-inspiring. I’m practically radiating existensial tranquility now.
The Thulhu-Twists class was… something else. I’m not entirely sure what happened, but I think I may have briefly seen the dawn of time. My chakras feel aligned, my spirit feels ancient, and my left arm is still slightly numb, but I feel incredibly peaceful. And I think I might be developing a fondness for tentacles. Highly recommended for those seeking a unique spiritual awakening!
About Our Founder
Born in the outback and forged in the abyss, Seraphina Moon-Bounce’s path to wellness was anything but traditional. After being accidentally swapped for a jar of Vegemite at a roadside rest stop, Seraphina was adopted and raised by a pack of elite, highly athletic wild wallabies. From them, she learned the ancient art of the “Thump-Asana,” a rigorous yoga practice involving explosive vertical leaps and carrying all your emotional baggage in a literal abdominal pouch. She spent her formative years navigating the bush, refining her balance on rocky outcrops and developing a core strength that would make a pilates instructor weep.
However, true enlightenment remained elusive until a fateful surfing accident pulled her into the crushing, silent depths of the Pacific. It was there, amidst the cyclopean ruins of R’lyeh, that she met her true mentor: The Great Old One, Cthulhu. While most find the presence of an ancient, tentacled deity mind-shattering, Seraphina found it strangely grounding. She realized that cosmic insignificance is actually the ultimate form of stress relief. After all, why worry about your mortgage or gluten intake when a trans-dimensional entity is waiting to reclaim the earth?
Today, Seraphina blends the high-energy bounce of her wallaby heritage with the existential dread of the Void to bring you a unique wellness experience. She believes that true inner peace can only be achieved by embracing the chaos of the swarm and accepting that our souls are merely snacks for the beyond. When she isn’t leading Locust Meditation, she enjoys staring blankly at the ocean and practicing her “Thulhu-Twists,” which are guaranteed to align your chakras and potentially summon a minor storm.